Humor

“Organic” Labels Found to Not Be Organic

March 5, 2012

Wichita, Kansas (OP) — Researchers at the Organic Consumers Association Laboratories (OCAL) have determined that the ubiquitous labels seen on organic foods are not actually organic. In a research paper published in OCAL’s monthly research report, researcher Jeffrey Scott explained, “Although the word “Organic” is printed clearly on the label, our analysis reveals that these labels are actually made of inorganic plastic, inorganic printing inks, and inorganic industrial adhesives, none of which come from the natural world.”

When asked how they made this startling discovery, Dr. Scott replied, “We were informed that many of our organic consumer members were discovering these labels in there, um, excrement, and, um, began to wonder whether they were truly organic. We decided to test labels that had not gone through the digestive process, but were instead still on fruits and vegetables on Whole Foods Market shelves. We carefully purchased “organic” products from a number of different stores, removed the labels, and tested them in our sterile laboratory, ensuring that they could not be contaminated by anything organically human. We were surprised to discover that the labels contained nothing organic. In fact, it appears that they are made and printed in man-made factories, then applied, or “stuck to” the fruits and vegetables before they are sold to people. We find this sort of misleading labeling reprehensible, because when a consumer sees the word “Organic,” he or she believes that it is perfectly okay to eat it.”

Asked whether the printed numbers and logos on the labels provided a clue to their man-made origin, Scott replied, “Yes, we did, of course, suspect that there had been some hanky-panky going on among the organic growers, since numbers and logos do not normally appear on the skin before fruits ripen. We suspected that genetic modification was involved, causing the labels to pop out on the skin of the fruit at the last minute, but we were not able to verify that theory in the laboratory. It appears as if all of these labels are applied after the suspected fruit or vegetable has been picked off the tree or vine. But we’re still suspicious.”

The consumer association for consumers of organic foods, the Organic Consumers Association, expressed outrage, which is their main tactic in their protests against what they call “Manufactured Foods.” “We are outraged!” said OCA spokesperson Debbie Ford. “We expected more from the grocers whom we trust. If it says “organic,” it should be organic. We’re going to encourage our members to remove these inorganic labels and return them to the stores en masse, to bring this outrage to the attention of the large supposedly organic grocery chains. How can they claim to sell organic foods when the label that says “organic” is clearly inedible? And in addition, these labels are not even recyclable! Our organic gardening members have reported that these labels are showing up in their organic compost – and that’s simply unacceptable!”

Calls into Monsanto, the largest food manufacturing factory in the world, and a sponsor of many genetic modification experiments, were not returned. John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods Market, responded to this reporter’s inquiry with this short statement: “We never claimed that the Organic labels were Organic. Nothing of the sort. Our customers are not being harmed. At least, I don’t think they are. Some of our customers are idiots, however, but that’s not our fault. We’re the good guys, and profit is good. That’s all I have to say.”

by Lion Goodman
liongoodman@gmail.com

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MONK GLOATS OVER YOGA CHAMPIONSHIP: “I AM THE SERENEST!” HE CLAIMS
LHASA, TIBET – World News Net

Employing the brash style that first brought him into prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6. “I am the serenest!” Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. “No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai Bikram – I am the greatest monk of all time!”

Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition, nearly .3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and two-time champion Sri Salil “The Hammer” Gupta. The heavily favored Gupta was upset after the loss. “I should be able to beat that guy with one lung tied,” Gupta said. “I’m beside myself right now, and I don’t mean trans-bodily.”

Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the tone for the rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, “I’m blissful! You blissful?! I’m blissful!” to the other yogis.

Bikram, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he premiered his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event sticking his middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition exists against such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner Swami Prabhupada, such behavior is generally considered “un-Buddhalike”. “I don’t care what the critics say,” Bikram said. “Sri Bikram is just gonna go out there and do Sri Bikram’s own yoga thing.”

Before the Bhutan meet, Bikram had never placed better than fourth. Many said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status accorded by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike’s new line of prayer mats and supposedly dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance this week will regain for him the number one computer ranking and earn him new respect, as well as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the controversial guru some have called Bikram’s “guru”. “My special training diet for Bikram is one single super-charged, carbo-loaded grain of rice per day. This was essential to his win,” Vasti said.

The defeated Gupta denied that Bikram’s taunting was a factor in his inability to attain TC. “I just wasn’t myself today,” Gupta commented. “I wasn’t any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal no-soul.” In the second event, flexibility, Bikram maintained the lead by supporting himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while touching the back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched by Gupta, who first used the position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off. “That’s my meditative position of spiritual ecstasy, not his,” remarked Gupta. “He stole my thunder.” Bikram denied the charge, saying, “Gupta’s been talking like that ever since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave owner.”

Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the shotput, placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the competition’s halfway point. But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram. The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal, but his response to today’s riddle, “Show me the face you had before you were born,” was reportedly “extremely illuminative”, according to Commissioner Prabhupada. While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders claim his answer had Pradhupada and the two other judges “highly enlightened”.

With the event victory, Bikram built himself a nearly insurmountable lead, one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events to come away with the upset victory.